Doubt
by Erica T
Summary: Usagi is feeling depressed. A conversation with Michiru helps. Post Series.


Something I cooked up in two days. I think it's a nice story. Takes place after the series ends. Enjoy.  
  
Disclaimer: Sailor Moon not owned by me.  
  
Doubt  
  
Usagi trudged up the cliffside a little listlessly. She'd been feeling a little down in the dumps lately. And she couldn't really pinpoint why. She had the distinct feeling that it had something to do with the fact that everything really was over. There were no more enemies left to fight. Everything felt, anticlimactic now. But there was something else too. Something else was also bothering her, but she wouldn't dare give it a name, lest it turn out to be true. She supposed that she really needed to talk to someone about it, but she couldn't really. All of her friends, with the exception of Naru and Umino were part of what was bothering her. And she couldn't talk to either of them, because there was no way that they would ever understand what she was talking about. She flopped down into the grass wretchedly and stared up at the sky. Why did these things always occur to her when she had every right in the world to be happy and carefree?  
  
"Usagi-chan? Are you alright?" She heard from somewhere to her left. She rolled over in that direction and her eyes fell upon Michiru, standing by a small outcropping of bushes that led into a small forest, she was holding a bunch of purple flowers in one hand and brushing hair out of her face with the other. Usagi jumped up immediately.  
  
"Oh! Michiru-san! I didn't see you over there." She exclaimed. And she hadn't. She had been so intent on her own thoughts that she hadn't paid any attention to anything other than what her feet were doing.  
  
"I'm not surprised. I was almost sure that you were going to walk over the edge of that cliff. Is something bothering you?"  
  
"I...well..."  
  
"If something is, you can tell me, you know. Haruka says that I listen very well. And I suppose that she should know, since I'm the only one who listens to her." Usagi smiled briefly, but was still unsure how to broach this bothersome subject.  
  
"I don't think I know how to talk about it, Michiru-san. I can't even name it." She flopped back into the grass. The older girl smiled and approached her. Usagi watched her as she sat down next to her in the grass as gracefully as any ballerina, she set her flowers next to her and then arranged her skirt so that it wasn't bothering her.  
  
"Let me try to guess then. Does it have anything to do with school?" When Usagi shook her head, she tried again. "Your family?" Again, Usagi shook her head. "Well, then it's either your Mamoru-san, the girls, or a combination of both." She concluded. Usagi sighed in affirmative.  
  
"All right. Now we just have to figure out what it is. Now lets see. They can't be teasing you, you haven't done anything like that in a while. They can't be ignoring you, we all know that's an impossibility. And judging from your current disposition, I would say that it's not anything trivial like that anyway." Usagi raised an eyebrow.  
  
"How do you figure? Not to long ago, I would have burst into tears because I bumped into a wall."  
  
"The fact that you just said that proves that you're not that girl anymore. I'm not surprised though. Seeing death has that affect." Usagi smiled a little. She did have a point.  
  
"Okay. So, you're right. It's not anything that trivial. It's more of a feeling, really. Like none of this is really real." Michiru's eyes shone in sudden understanding.  
  
"Oh, I know what's bothering you then. And it's no wonder."  
  
"What is it?"  
  
"Doubt."  
  
Usagi blinked. It seemed like such a simple word, it couldn't possibly be the name of all that she was feeling. But something told her that doubt was right.  
  
"You've never doubted anything in your life. You knew in your heart that Haruka and I were good people, despite our attempts to convince you otherwise. You also knew that the Starlights were good people, even though we all tried to make you believe otherwise. You have this way of instinctively knowing what's what that you've never had any reason to doubt anyone's intentions." Michiru said, smiling at her brightly. Usagi thought about this.  
  
"Then why am I feeling like this entire life that I'm leading had been packaged for me?"  
  
"Well, you're still human, Usagi-chan. And we human beings are not invulnerable. So let me do some more guessing. You're wondering if the girls would look twice at you, if it weren't for being Sailor Senshi. You're thinking that maybe Mamoru-san only loves you because he loved you once before. You're thinking that all you know to be real, you only have because you're supposed to. Am I right?" Michiru leaned back on her hands and gazed up into the sky, closing her eyes as the sun shone down on them. Usagi stared at her. Somehow, she had managed to get it exactly right. But was all that really just doubt? She found her voice.  
  
"How...?"  
  
"Do I know what you're feeling?" Michiru opened one eye and looked at her. "Because I felt the same way once upon a time. So did Haruka. And I'll bet that everyone else either has, or will feel it too." Usagi was a little surprised. The older two girls always seemed to be so unflappable. Although she had noticed that they seemed to have loosened up since she first met them.  
  
"How did you and Haruka deal with it?"  
  
"Well, Haruka grumbled a lot and went through a phase where anything in skirt was fair game." Usagi couldn't help but giggle at the idea. Sure, Haruka was an incorrigible flirt, but she couldn't picture her like that. She stopped giggling when she realized that Michiru was looking at her oddly.  
  
"I'm sorry. It's just hard to think of Haruka chasing girls, she's usually just flirty." Michiru's face cleared.  
  
"Ah, yes I see. Well, she didn't actually chase them per se. More like stared at them until they got uncomfortable and ran away. I think she was trying to figure out what it was that she saw in me that she couldn't see in other girls." Usagi understood, Haruka was usually so serious, so that description made a little more sense.  
  
"What about you?"  
  
"It happened to me after it happened to Haruka. So for a while, I couldn't figure out why she was looking so intently at all these other girls. But when it did happen, I understood. There may be a past lifetime that bound us together, but that doesn't necessarily mean that it's going to stay that way. And I got a little scared. The difference between Haruka and I however, was that she had something backing her up that I don't have."  
  
"What was that?"  
  
"She met me before she regained her memories. She was feeling something for me before our past lives came back to her. I didn't have that luxury."  
  
"What did you do then?"  
  
"I wallowed in misery for a while, and when I cancelled a date, she came around to my house and demanded to know what was the matter with me."  
  
"That sounds like the Haruka I know."  
  
"So we talked it out. And after that, I felt a lot better about things. She had a way of figuring out the answer to the problem that left very little room for doubt. Would you like to hear it?"  
  
"Yes, please. If it helps even just a little bit, it would be much better than the way I feel now."  
  
"She told me to remember who I was before I became Sailor Neptune. Remember the girl I used to be before I remembered the past. Remember the way I felt about people in general. The way I used to look at the world. Somewhere, buried inside me, that girl still exists. She told me to ask that girl how she would feel about the way things have turned out. Would the old Michiru still be friends with Haruka? Would that Michiru still have fallen in love with her?" Michiru had closed her eyes again and turned her face back up to the sky. Usagi waited patiently for her to finish what she was saying.  
  
"I thought about it. I found that girl, hiding in a corner of my mind, scared stiff of what she had become. And the answer was yes. If none of this destiny existed, I still would have fallen in love with Haruka." She opened her eyes and looked hard at Usagi.  
  
"The past doesn't matter any more, Usagi-chan. It's gone and it's not coming back. You are still your own person. Mamoru-san is also his own person. The girls as well. Ask that girl you used to be if you would still be in love with Mamoru-san if the Silver Millenium had never existed. Ask her if she would still have made friends with those girls if there has been no need for the Senshi. I think you'll find that the answer is also yes." Michiru picked up her flowers and stood up. Usagi stood as well, still thinking hard. But then her face cleared.  
  
"I think you're right. Thank you, Michiru-san. I guess we should take Haruka's advice more often. It helped a lot." Michiru smiled brightly again as Usagi started making her way off the cliff. A few steps away she turned back.  
  
"What would you have done if Haruka had seen what she sees in you in some one else's face?" Michiru paused in making her way back to the bushes. She looked back.  
  
"I don't know. But at least I didn't have to worry about it. And hopefully I never will." Usagi smiled at her, then left the area. Michiru watched her leave, pensively. She started when she felt a hand on her shoulder. Haruka stood behind her, watching the younger girl leave as well.  
  
"She asked a valid question, you know. What would you have done if I found what I was looking for in one of those many faces?" Michiru turned around and eyed her.  
  
"I don't like to think about that. Besides, there's no one else like me in the world, you know that."  
  
"This is true. No one would dare do half of things that you do." Haruka joked.  
  
"That's why you love me."  
  
"Well...there are many reasons that I love you. That happens to only be one of them." 


End file.
